Joke thread

[frosty]

Confucious say:

Baseball all wrong. Man with 4 balls cannot walk.

Mans' wife his better half. Man's mistress his better hole.

[Blaksmoke]

A woman walks into a bar. She sits down and says to the bartender "I'll have a double entendre", so the bartender gives it to her.

[Fillibuster]

A guy walked into a bar. His friends ducked.

I don't think I really know any good jokes. There's funny stories and there are jokes, and I only really know the former.

[HPK]

What's red and smells like blue paint?
red paint
What's green and has wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.
A mexican and a black guy are in a car. Who's driving?
The mexican. The black guy has been driving for a while now and he's tired.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

A man walks into a bar. His drinking problem is tearing his family apart.

[frosty]

fathers day is to thanking your father for fucking your mother as mothers day is to thanking your mother for not swallowing you.

[HPK]

Alright, actual joke time. This one is a long one, but it's a good one to tell people.

There once was a boy. The boy was about five years old and was making his way through Kindergarden, but he didn't really have any focus. His family knew he wasn't doing as well as he should have been. One day, the father went up to him and said, "Son, if you can pass Kindergarden without any bad grades, I will get you whatever you want." His father meant it to. He was born into a wealthy family and money wasn't much of an issue for them. The boy, not being spoiled to often, took note of this and began to be a bit more respectful in class. By the end of the school year, he was one of the best in his class. The teacher adored him and he passed with flying colors.
His father congradulated his son for passing Kindergarden and said, "Since you passed, what do you want?
The boy said with a smile, 'I would like a pink and purple ping pong ball."
His father got the boy a pink and purple ping pong ball without any question about it. The summer passed and the boy was now on his way to 1st Grade. On the first day of school, his father said, "If you can pass the first grade with top scores, I will get you whatever you want at the end of the school year." The boy smiled and nodded. The school year passed and the boy received the highest scores in all of his classes. Seeing his report card, the father asked his son, "What do you want?"
The boy answered, "Two pink and purple ping pong balls."
The father thought it was a bit strange that he asked for more of the same thing, but he didn't dwell on it. He bought and gave his son two pink and purple ping pong balls.

When the boy entered second grade, the tradition continued. The boy would pass with top score and his father would make the same offer. When the offer was made, the boy asked for three pink and purple ping pong balls. In fact, this lasted all of elementary school. 3rd grade, he wanted four pink and purple ping pong balls. 4th grade was five of them. By the time he was done with 5th grade, he requested 10 more.
His father thought it was awfully bizarre that, out of all of the toys in the world, his boy kept requesting to have these ping pong balls. But, not wanted to seem like he was going against his word, he kept his mouth shut. His father wanted to believe that it was merely an odd phase, but time would prove him wrong. 6th grade was 15 pink and purple ping pong balls. 7th grade was 20 of them. 8th grade was an additional 25.
The boy was now a teenager and was going through high school. The boy was always on high honors every year and took a number of college level courses during his time in high school. He also managed to pick up a job and carefully saved his money up. He was in the top ten of his class every year.
His father had hoped that his son would start requesting other things at the end of each school year. A few times, he tried coaxing him into doing so. At the end of his freshmen year, the boy asked for 50 pink and purple ping pong balls. At the end of his sophomore year, his father said, "You know, I can get you any kind of car you can think of!" The boy laughed and said, "Actually, I would prefer to have 100 pink and purple ping pong balls." His junior year ended with a gift of 250 pink and purple ping pong balls.
Now the boy was graduating from high school. His father was becoming a bit distraught over the thought. After the graduation ceremony, his father said, "Son, you've made me proud over the years. How about this: you pick the college you want to go to and I'll pay for it enitrely. I don't care how long it takes or what school it is. I'll pay for it all."
The boy replied, "That's alright Dad. I would like to pay for college on my own. Instead, I would like to have 500 pink and purple ping pong balls."
His dad didn't understand it. No child should have passed up that offer, but he complied. Although he felt his son deserved more, he wasn't going to deny him those ping pong balls.
The son, now a young adult, went to college and payed for it with the money he had been earning. He was a very smart kid and in no time at all, he had earned his diploma. His father was at this graduation ceremony as well. It had been four years since he made the usual offer and he felt that, by this point, his son had wanted something else besides the ping pong balls.
"For graduating college, is there anything I can get for you?"
"Sure. I'd like 1000 pink and purple ping pong balls!"

His father couldn't make sense of this at all, but his son had established himself with using his money, so he wasn't going to deny him this simple request. He gave his son the pink and purple ping pong balls. Life went on. Years later, his son got himself a nice career with his diploma. He also fell in love with a young woman. After a while, the two of them were engaged.
When the son told his mother and father, they were both delighted by the news. His father then said, "If there's anything you need from us, let us know." The son said, "Well, I need 1,000,000 pink and purple ping pong balls." The father was suddenly confused. "Are you sure...? I can buy you guys any house! I can afford to build you two any house you want!"
The son said, "I know Dad, but I'd really just prefer the 1,000,000 pink and purple ping pong balls."

Reluctantly, the father complied to his son's request. Life went on as it normally did until one night. There was a really bad thunderstorm passing over the city and it was raining really bad. The young man was driving home from his job at night when he was hit by another car. The crash was really bad and he was taken to the nearest hospital. His parents were contacted and his father rushed to the hospital right away.
The doctor told the father that his son has a very low chance of surviving the night. he asked if he could talk to his son and was allowed to do so. He sat at the side of the bed his son was laying in. A lot of thoughts were running through his head at that moment, but one had been there for years. His dad kept thinking about those damn pink and purple ping pong balls. He had to ask; he had to know before it was too late.

"Son, if you don't mind me asking...why did you always want those pink and purple ping pong balls?"
The son laughed a little, "Well, it's simple dad. It's because

The son dies.

[Coded-Dude]

buwahahahahahahahaha............................






































actually, I didn't even read it. :shifty:

[blurton]

there once was a woman who lived in a shoe
she lived in that shoe and didnt know what to do
until one day she looked up at the sky
and asked "why the fuck do i live in a shoe?"
and then she died

[Xer0]

*cough* http://forums.e-mpire.com/showthread.php?t=91017&highlight=Joke+thread *cough*

[seahorse]

what did christopher columbus say to his men before they got on the ship?

men, get on the ship.

[kaphwan]

This should be renamed the meta-humour thread xD

And in that vein.

How many people of a given social group does it take to change a light bulb?

n + 1. One to change the bulb, and n to do something typical of that social group.

OR

None! They're all too busy doing something befitting their popular stereotype.

[HPK]

*cough* http://forums.e-mpire.com/showthread.php?t=91017&highlight=Joke+thread *cough*

I laughed because I recycled a joke from that thread without even realizing it.

[Negativity]

I'm embarrassed to be reading this thread...

Especially HPK's jokes.

[HPK]

Just be happy I didn't start off with the dead baby jokes.

[jaxmkii]

Alright, actual joke time. This one is a long one, but it's a good one to tell people.

There once was a boy. The boy was about five years old and was making his way through Kindergarden, but he didn't really have any focus. His family knew he wasn't doing as well as he should have been. One day, the father went up to him and said, "Son, if you can pass Kindergarden without any bad grades, I will get you whatever you want." His father meant it to. He was born into a wealthy family and money wasn't much of an issue for them. The boy, not being spoiled to often, took note of this and began to be a bit more respectful in class. By the end of the school year, he was one of the best in his class. The teacher adored him and he passed with flying colors.
His father congradulated his son for passing Kindergarden and said, "Since you passed, what do you want?
The boy said with a smile, 'I would like a pink and purple ping pong ball."
His father got the boy a pink and purple ping pong ball without any question about it. The summer passed and the boy was now on his way to 1st Grade. On the first day of school, his father said, "If you can pass the first grade with top scores, I will get you whatever you want at the end of the school year." The boy smiled and nodded. The school year passed and the boy received the highest scores in all of his classes. Seeing his report card, the father asked his son, "What do you want?"
The boy answered, "Two pink and purple ping pong balls."
The father thought it was a bit strange that he asked for more of the same thing, but he didn't dwell on it. He bought and gave his son two pink and purple ping pong balls.

When the boy entered second grade, the tradition continued. The boy would pass with top score and his father would make the same offer. When the offer was made, the boy asked for three pink and purple ping pong balls. In fact, this lasted all of elementary school. 3rd grade, he wanted four pink and purple ping pong balls. 4th grade was five of them. By the time he was done with 5th grade, he requested 10 more.
His father thought it was awfully bizarre that, out of all of the toys in the world, his boy kept requesting to have these ping pong balls. But, not wanted to seem like he was going against his word, he kept his mouth shut. His father wanted to believe that it was merely an odd phase, but time would prove him wrong. 6th grade was 15 pink and purple ping pong balls. 7th grade was 20 of them. 8th grade was an additional 25.
The boy was now a teenager and was going through high school. The boy was always on high honors every year and took a number of college level courses during his time in high school. He also managed to pick up a job and carefully saved his money up. He was in the top ten of his class every year.
His father had hoped that his son would start requesting other things at the end of each school year. A few times, he tried coaxing him into doing so. At the end of his freshmen year, the boy asked for 50 pink and purple ping pong balls. At the end of his sophomore year, his father said, "You know, I can get you any kind of car you can think of!" The boy laughed and said, "Actually, I would prefer to have 100 pink and purple ping pong balls." His junior year ended with a gift of 250 pink and purple ping pong balls.
Now the boy was graduating from high school. His father was becoming a bit distraught over the thought. After the graduation ceremony, his father said, "Son, you've made me proud over the years. How about this: you pick the college you want to go to and I'll pay for it enitrely. I don't care how long it takes or what school it is. I'll pay for it all."
The boy replied, "That's alright Dad. I would like to pay for college on my own. Instead, I would like to have 500 pink and purple ping pong balls."
His dad didn't understand it. No child should have passed up that offer, but he complied. Although he felt his son deserved more, he wasn't going to deny him those ping pong balls.
The son, now a young adult, went to college and payed for it with the money he had been earning. He was a very smart kid and in no time at all, he had earned his diploma. His father was at this graduation ceremony as well. It had been four years since he made the usual offer and he felt that, by this point, his son had wanted something else besides the ping pong balls.
"For graduating college, is there anything I can get for you?"
"Sure. I'd like 1000 pink and purple ping pong balls!"

His father couldn't make sense of this at all, but his son had established himself with using his money, so he wasn't going to deny him this simple request. He gave his son the pink and purple ping pong balls. Life went on. Years later, his son got himself a nice career with his diploma. He also fell in love with a young woman. After a while, the two of them were engaged.
When the son told his mother and father, they were both delighted by the news. His father then said, "If there's anything you need from us, let us know." The son said, "Well, I need 1,000,000 pink and purple ping pong balls." The father was suddenly confused. "Are you sure...? I can buy you guys any house! I can afford to build you two any house you want!"
The son said, "I know Dad, but I'd really just prefer the 1,000,000 pink and purple ping pong balls."

Reluctantly, the father complied to his son's request. Life went on as it normally did until one night. There was a really bad thunderstorm passing over the city and it was raining really bad. The young man was driving home from his job at night when he was hit by another car. The crash was really bad and he was taken to the nearest hospital. His parents were contacted and his father rushed to the hospital right away.
The doctor told the father that his son has a very low chance of surviving the night. he asked if he could talk to his son and was allowed to do so. He sat at the side of the bed his son was laying in. A lot of thoughts were running through his head at that moment, but one had been there for years. His dad kept thinking about those damn pink and purple ping pong balls. He had to ask; he had to know before it was too late.

"Son, if you don't mind me asking...why did you always want those pink and purple ping pong balls?"
The son laughed a little, "Well, it's simple dad. It's because

The son dies.
if it wasn't for that horse i never would of made it though that year of college...

[iSDK]

Once upon a time there was a fairy prince.

His name was HPK.

[frosty]

*cough* http://forums.e-mpire.com/showthread.php?t=91017&highlight=Joke+thread *cough*

*cough* thread expired *cough*

[blurton]

*cough* i have swine flu

this is not a joke

[Black Dragon37]

So here I am in an internet cafe with the biggest fucking chink I've ever seen reading every word I ty

[frosty]

looks like u got karate chopped.