plz help wit poem

[Notedog]

Plz help me with mypoem lol.

I love you baby
You drive me crazy
I think about you every night
My best frinds name is dwight
Jesus is cool
Swimming in a pool
It's getting late
Its half past 8
I think Im done
So I've won!

I gave this to my teacher and he punched me right in the face. How can I improve it?

[Bloodman]

Uhh, well, a good poem need direction. Yours doesn't have any at all. It's just a few rhyming words. Write about your feelings.

When i was young
everything was fun
wake up in the morning
and smell the toasting buns

And it was only morning'
the day has just begun

I would call my friends soon
and would play till noon

For it was only morning
The day has begun

But as you grow old
there really is no fun
I now find it sad
that days like these are gone


For it was now night
and all was done.


Nobody better take this poem.

[Jon]

For the love of God himself, neither of you EVER write poetry again.

[Bloodman]

And you could do better?

[Notedog]

Im the best of all three!

[Jon]

And you could do better?

No... no I could not. I'm a horrible writer.....

[Anti-Colin]

Those 2 are so horrible.

[Jon]

"When i was young
everything was fun
wake up in the morning
and smell the toasting buns"

It's just... so... deep. *sniffle*

[Bloodman]

^ those lines represent the average happy morning. Now days they are really just....bleh!

btw, toasting buns refers to muffins or toast or anything.

btw, here's ANOTHER

You ask me for my best
you beat it in my chest
wont leave me alone
you say that i should grow

But how can i grow into a world so black
that wont let me see
that things aren't what they appear to be!

The good dies off
as people grow
for it is an innocense lost
and to regain is a heavy cost
and so the spirit starts to frost

It is hard today in a word so vast
where all is good and falling fast

And the void is so more vast

[goku2057]

I see a poetry battle section coming on...

[Bloodman]

In a land far past
the human eye

Where thick trees and leaves flourish
and the gras grrows high as the sky
Where the water is blue and sparkles with dreams
and the night sky glitters with glee

And children play in fields of love
Where hates dies like a slug in salt

Where nobody leaves or comes
They all just live in this land

But, looks can be decieving

[peasantlover]

Roses are Red
Violets are blue
Notedog your poem sucks.


Thank you, thank you<bow>