Skull Kid
12-20-2005, 06:48 PM
My cousin showed this to me. It was a post made by someone at a forum he posts at. I was laughing my ass off when I read it.
You know, this phrase gets thrown around too often I think, so allow me to clarify. Normally when someone hears or reads "worst movie ever", "best t-shirt ever", "worst sausage ever", etc, they automatically assume that the speaker is exaggerating. Let me assure you, there is absolutely no hyperbole or irony in this rant. Nickelback is the absolute worst rock band I have ever had the displeasure of hearing.
But you're undoubtedly thinking, "surely you haven't thought this through enough. There must be some band in the annals of rock and roll that is quantifiably worse than Nickelback." I must admit, I doubted my assuredness at first as well. So, in order to be absolutely positive that Nickelback is indeed the worst band ever, I scanned around in my brain for other absolutely dreadful rock music I've heard in order to compare:
Nickelback vs. Limp Bizkit
I think it should be obvious to everyone why this was the first thing that popped into my mind. Fred Durst is quite possibly the most retarded person I've seen on television, the most creative lyric the guy ever thought of was "rollin" for God's sake. Bizkit is one of those bands that ripped off Faith No More and Helmet, s.ucked every ounce of creativity and soul out of their brand of music, then regurgitated in stupid language for 13-year-olds with acne who wear wife-beaters. BUT, Nickelback is still worse. The reason? Fred Durst is bald, whereas Nickelback's lead singer subjects us to the most girly locks I've seen this side of figure skating.
Nickelback vs. emo/screamo
One would be hard pressed to find a genre of music these days more hated than emo. And no, for you music know it alls, I'm not talking about "classic emo", I'm talking about the whiny tween bullshit that gets played in Hot Topic. BUT, no matter how laughably pathetic the crybaby cutters begging for money to spend on Linkin Park CDs and blue hairspray are, their music is still better than Nickelback. An emo band, even if they are raging against "meen rents lol" or "my older sis got a tat an i didnt ", still has some emotion in their songs. Nickelback only has as much emotion as the corporate dickboats that gloss over every song right down to the last guitar lick tell them to. This usually ends up being none, since the afore-mentioned corporate dickboats are soulless bastards.
Nickelback vs. Styx/Boston/Journey
I will be the first one to complain about the horrors of "classic rock" radio. From what I can gather, the only people who take these bands seriously are 70s high school dropouts and their redneck offspring. The terrible high-pitch vocals, the happy go luck dual guitar solos, the cheesy synthesizers, the generic majestic lyrics about partying on the weekends...yes sir, the only thing worse than these bands is, you guessed it, Nickelback. The saving grace for a band like Styx is that their songs are so over the top that they're actually unintentionally hilarious. I can never hear the line "on board I'm the captain, so climb aboard" sorrounded by synthesizers that sound like the Reading Rainbow theme song without cracking up. And while Nickelback is just as pretentious as Styx, their schlop is so mundane that one can only cringe in horror. There is no fun to their music, and it doesn't even parody itself. It's just fucking boring.
Hell, I don't even know why I'm sticking to just rock bands. Nickelback is the worst MUSIC I've ever heard!
Nickelback vs. The Backstreet Boys
The Backstreet Boys, even if they were formulaic bubblegum pop turd, could at least sing a bit. Nickelback sounds like a lumberjack who just got stabbed with a ballpoint pen in his left knee.
Nickelback vs. Michael Bolton
Michael Bolton has at least accepted that he is dentist's office music. Nickelback still seems to think they're actually an edgy band.
Nickelback vs. The Pokemon Television Theme Song
The Pokemon theme changes every season, whereas Nickelback's songs are all identical.
Nickelback vs. bagpipes
You can hit people with bagpipes. Nickelback is too heavy to pick up, because they are actually robots which send out subliminal messages designed to get people to buy turtlenecks.
So, as you can see, Nickelback is the worst band ever. If you disagree, then I'm right.
You know, this phrase gets thrown around too often I think, so allow me to clarify. Normally when someone hears or reads "worst movie ever", "best t-shirt ever", "worst sausage ever", etc, they automatically assume that the speaker is exaggerating. Let me assure you, there is absolutely no hyperbole or irony in this rant. Nickelback is the absolute worst rock band I have ever had the displeasure of hearing.
But you're undoubtedly thinking, "surely you haven't thought this through enough. There must be some band in the annals of rock and roll that is quantifiably worse than Nickelback." I must admit, I doubted my assuredness at first as well. So, in order to be absolutely positive that Nickelback is indeed the worst band ever, I scanned around in my brain for other absolutely dreadful rock music I've heard in order to compare:
Nickelback vs. Limp Bizkit
I think it should be obvious to everyone why this was the first thing that popped into my mind. Fred Durst is quite possibly the most retarded person I've seen on television, the most creative lyric the guy ever thought of was "rollin" for God's sake. Bizkit is one of those bands that ripped off Faith No More and Helmet, s.ucked every ounce of creativity and soul out of their brand of music, then regurgitated in stupid language for 13-year-olds with acne who wear wife-beaters. BUT, Nickelback is still worse. The reason? Fred Durst is bald, whereas Nickelback's lead singer subjects us to the most girly locks I've seen this side of figure skating.
Nickelback vs. emo/screamo
One would be hard pressed to find a genre of music these days more hated than emo. And no, for you music know it alls, I'm not talking about "classic emo", I'm talking about the whiny tween bullshit that gets played in Hot Topic. BUT, no matter how laughably pathetic the crybaby cutters begging for money to spend on Linkin Park CDs and blue hairspray are, their music is still better than Nickelback. An emo band, even if they are raging against "meen rents lol" or "my older sis got a tat an i didnt ", still has some emotion in their songs. Nickelback only has as much emotion as the corporate dickboats that gloss over every song right down to the last guitar lick tell them to. This usually ends up being none, since the afore-mentioned corporate dickboats are soulless bastards.
Nickelback vs. Styx/Boston/Journey
I will be the first one to complain about the horrors of "classic rock" radio. From what I can gather, the only people who take these bands seriously are 70s high school dropouts and their redneck offspring. The terrible high-pitch vocals, the happy go luck dual guitar solos, the cheesy synthesizers, the generic majestic lyrics about partying on the weekends...yes sir, the only thing worse than these bands is, you guessed it, Nickelback. The saving grace for a band like Styx is that their songs are so over the top that they're actually unintentionally hilarious. I can never hear the line "on board I'm the captain, so climb aboard" sorrounded by synthesizers that sound like the Reading Rainbow theme song without cracking up. And while Nickelback is just as pretentious as Styx, their schlop is so mundane that one can only cringe in horror. There is no fun to their music, and it doesn't even parody itself. It's just fucking boring.
Hell, I don't even know why I'm sticking to just rock bands. Nickelback is the worst MUSIC I've ever heard!
Nickelback vs. The Backstreet Boys
The Backstreet Boys, even if they were formulaic bubblegum pop turd, could at least sing a bit. Nickelback sounds like a lumberjack who just got stabbed with a ballpoint pen in his left knee.
Nickelback vs. Michael Bolton
Michael Bolton has at least accepted that he is dentist's office music. Nickelback still seems to think they're actually an edgy band.
Nickelback vs. The Pokemon Television Theme Song
The Pokemon theme changes every season, whereas Nickelback's songs are all identical.
Nickelback vs. bagpipes
You can hit people with bagpipes. Nickelback is too heavy to pick up, because they are actually robots which send out subliminal messages designed to get people to buy turtlenecks.
So, as you can see, Nickelback is the worst band ever. If you disagree, then I'm right.