My style of writing.

[Mr.E]

This is my first post. i just wanted to know if my style of writing is any good at all. I have a short beginning to a short story that is mostly dialogue, which is mostly because every time I write I think of it as a screenplay for a movie for some reason. There are probably tons of mistakes as I used wordpad. Just give me some constructive criticism, I would appreciate it.

He sunk back into the comfortable la-z-boy.
"I was at a bank once during a hold up when I was just a boy. The robber pointed a gun at us. He could have shot us, killed us, but I wasn't afraid. I was too curious to be afraid. All I could think was why is this man doing this? Is he going to shoot me? I miss that."
"You miss what, Mr. Wright?"
"Being a kid, not having a care in the world, never being afraid. Hmm..."
"What is it?"
He paused.
"Did you know that MIT recently discovered a cure for learned fear? What kind of fear isn't learned? Anyway, it means that we may never have to fear death, fear having a gun pointed at our face, or even fear asking a beautiful woman on a date."
"And how does that make you feel?"
"Afraid. It makes me feel like humans will eventually lose that edge that drives us, that fuels our western economy, that once allowed us to become the dominant species. How long would we have lasted if we weren't affraid of dying, of losing. Probably as long as a child is a child."
"Not to be plain, but do you believe that all we have to fear is fear itself, Mr. Wright? Don't you want to talk about what happened in the middle east?"
He raised his eyebrows.
"There's nothing left to talk about, Jack. This will be the last time we meet. Send me the bill." He sat up from the chair, the wine red leather inhaled.
"You never answered my first question."
"Are you serious, Jack? Are you really that blind?"
He closed the door behind him.

[BigfootGus]

hmmmm

congratulations on your first post?

[OnBake Platinum]

Tenchi?

[Mr.E]

I don't speak japanese. Lol.

[Boggy700]

If were to change one thing about this story, it would be to edit it down to simply this:
"Did you know that MIT recently discovered a cure for learned fear? What kind of fear isn't learned? Anyway, it means that we may never have to fear death, fear having a gun pointed at our face, or even fear asking a beautiful woman on a date."
"And how does that make you feel?"
"Afraid."

I feel that this section stands strongly enough on it's own, relying on a powerfully simple punchline.
If I were to change one thing about this section, it would be to create a longer, more dramatic build-up.
Not long enough to be boring, but long enough to lull the reader into a false perception of intention.


With regards to the entire story, it is clear that your focus was on the dialogue rather than the standard conventions of story-writing. As you mention, it reads like a script rather than a proper story. It might help for you to decide on one standard format, be it script or story, lest the readers be lost in the unclarity of not knowing who is doing what. Novels are usually first or third-person, and as such, the writer makes the point-of-view clear from the start, and is then able to employ artistic flourishes without confusing the reader, whereas scripts are always third-person with very distinct descriptions of what is going on at any given moment, yet the only 'art' is limited to the dialogue.
I suggest working on 'action' parts other than those that start with "He", if for no other reason than to differentiate between which character is the subject of the action. Also so as to guide the immediacy of certain actions by rearranging the words accordingly. Here are some examples of how I might rewrite these pieces.
(Due to the omnisciently ambiguous nature of the story, I can't be certain, but I'm assuming that all of the action is that of Mr. Wright.)

"He sunk back into the comfortable la-z-boy."
Sinking back into the comfortable seat of the La-Z-Boy, Mr. Wright recalled an incident from his past.

"He paused."
Briefly pausing to gather his thoughts before asking,[...]

"He raised his eyebrows."
*

"He sat up from the chair, the wine red leather inhaled."
The wine-red leather of the chair inhaled as Mr. Wright stood up, ready to leave, when Jack pointed out,[...]

"He closed the door behind him."
The click of the closing door concluded the conversation.


*This one was hard because I don't know why Mr. Wright raises his eyebrows being that there is no specific emotion construed throughout the story. This would have added to my other alterations as well, but just a little.

So my two main concerns are:
Repetitive descriptions of action and a lack of descriptions of emotion or atmosphere.

But I did enjoy the story, and I think you write dialogue quite well.
With work on those things I outlined and underlined, your writing could improve a great deal.


edit:: Oh yeah, I forgot to disclaim!

I have little formal knowledge of literature.
I just write my opinions.
I know nothing.

[Xer0]

I've read this story a good 7 or 8 times over (owing to its size more then anything really) to try and form a solid idea on it but in the end I've got nothing. Its not so much a story as it is random words that have no connection to each other. On one hand your talking about wanting to be a child and not be afraid, yet at the next sentence you talk about being afraid because you wont be afraid any longer. Really, that doesnt flow very well. Add to that that some points are overly explained and become lost in the their explanation and others arent even touched on.

I realize this is a begining to a short story, but honestly i would not read any further because the intro doesnt give me a reason to; I know very little about the characters and what is prestented is contradictory, there is no real point to this, had you started off with a brief, 2 to 3 line intro on exactly were we are or why, it would have added a lot more, and the writing is boring. Im sorry, but reading this all i can picture in my head is soundings not a scene. As Boggy mentioned, add depth, little subtle touches add so much to it. You dont even have to directly go and explain a scene or characters, instead you can discribe it through actions.

[Mr.E]

nice, nice. all good so far.